“Why are you single?”

The most famous Holiday question that I know of is: Why are you single?

It’s also the most annoying question if you ask me. Partially because there are so many ways one could answer this question but also because it’s frequently asked. How do you explain to your family that the answer is not as simple as they think? Well at least for me it’s not.

Being half black, in a predominately white area, my odds of finding a boyfriend are pretty slim. For the most part it comes down to preferences, a majority of white guys in the area are not into black girls and hey that’s their prerogative! Does it hurt my confidence? Just a bit. But what can I do? I refuse to worry about guys who have no interest me and in turn focus my energy on guys who do have an interest in me.

Nowadays dating and being in a relationship are a little bit more complicated. I feel it’s because some people are wanting to have the benefits of a relationship without the actual relationship. In doing this, people are taking what they have no intentions of giving back. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting and I’d advise against this. Don’t run yourself down for someone who will not reciprocate your feelings.

 I have trust issues. With sharing my story of the sexual abuse I experienced at a young age, being able to trust someone does not come easily. I have so many walls up it’ll take a very strong and confident guy to break them down. It’s not that I don’t want to trust in someone, it’s more so because I’ve kept to myself for so long because of what I experienced, I’m trying to avoid getting hurt.

Two important things I look at when it comes to guys are 1) effort and 2) communication skills. My family likes to say that I have “extra” tendencies, meaning I like to go the extra miles for those I love. When I give effort in a relationship I expected it back. Effort is attractive, knowing someone reciprocates the feelings you have for them. Communication skills is so important because in any relationship you want to be on the same page. I want to be able to share my feelings, concerns and be able to talk with someone who will not make me feel like my feelings are invalid. I want the guy I’m with to be comfortable talking things out with me. I feel like many misunderstandings can be avoided with simple communication. Having an open mind and heart to take time to talk through problems and find solutions.

I am single because I don’t want to be one of those people who are in relationships just to say they’re in a relationship. At this point in my life, I am okay with being single because I’m working on my issues. Focusing my energy on not being broken emotionally. I don’t agree with being shamed for not being in a relationship because we don’t know what silent demons others are fighting. I like the idea of being selfish during my 20’s to explore life, and I’m definitely not one to hop into a relationship just because others want me to. I like going through life at my own pace because let’s be real, the choices I make are really only going to affect me. I want to enjoy this time I have to experience life, make mistakes and enjoy each day. If it so happens I meet a guy… well we’ll see what happens. Until then..

I am single because I haven’t met someone worth being in a relationship with. But if any of you know of someone;) let me know!

                              -Nessa