What I’ve learned about myself

It’s going to be seven months since I’ve moved away from home and it’s been so different and great all at the same time. It’s been a little hard adjusting to not being on an island anymore. I don’t really know people here and I’m still learning where places are. But nonetheless me moving away from home was something I needed to do. I’ve learned so much about myself, I’m sure I wouldn’t have realized had I stayed in Hawaii. First thing I learned about myself was that, I was definitely not as independent as I thought I was. I thought I’d be mature enough to handle things on my own. But in reality I was nowhere near that level of maturity. It was like I had to be pushed to do things, and I have been stuck in the mentality that I had to ask permission to do things. My eyes have been opened with this realization that I’ll need to make more of an effort to accomplish my goals and just day-to-day things without waiting around and being lazy. The only way I’ll be able to progress in life and achieve this idea of being independent would be to just do the things I need done, I can only depend on the work I do to get the success I want. No one will be able to help me if I can’t put in the effort and time to just get things done myself. Second thing I learned about myself was that I am very passive and incredibly shy. I’m so shy that in situations where I have to introduce myself to others or I am put in the spotlight I get really nervous and get really bad anxiety. I don’t like to draw attention to myself because I’m insecure about myself and I don’t like the idea of being judged by others. I’ve become so passive because I just wanted to be the obedient child my older siblings weren’t.  I was under this great deal of pressure that I had to be this good example to my younger brother and younger cousins. Under high expectations of what was expected of me, it was easier for me to just go along with what everyone else wanted for me than me standing up for myself and doing what I wanted to do and what made me happy. My enabling this “go with the flow” attitude has backed fired on me countless times that I’ve only just realized in recent days. I’ve always said yes to people, I’ve always done things with no hesitation, I’ve always just had this big heart and Saw only the good in people. Until I realized I was being used because of how giving I was. I’m stuck in this predicament that I’ve given so much that I don’t have any more to give and I have nothing for myself. I was giving my time, money, attention, effort to everyone else not receiving anything in return; I was literally neglecting myself in turn. I was being used and under appreciated and I didn’t know it. I had gotten used to sacrificing things I needed/wanted to For the sake of helping others which only left me stuck; not knowing where to go from here. I don’t want be that person anymore. I really just want to focus on me and my life. I don’t want to be bothered with people who are only willing to take what I am willing to give and not reciprocate. These last couple of weeks really showed how much of a door mat I was to people and I let them get away with it because I didn’t want to put the effort into letting them know otherwise. It’s time I get rid of this comfortable mentality that it’s okay to be passive, to get rid of the need to “save” everyone else to be justified,    that I’m okay with being used and under appreciated because I’m not okay with this idea; at all. I can no longer be this doormat for everyone to walk on, it’s time I become the strong and firm young woman I know I am meant to be.  The last thing I’ve learned about myself is that I have a really long road to go. I have so many things to learn and I shouldn’t be complacent just yet. I’ve made some moves but I’m not quite there yet, where I can become comfortable. I have so many things I’ll have to work on on myself that it’ll take a while and I’ll have to be patient as I work those things out. It’ll be easy just to give in and resort to old habits but old habits will not benefit this stronger version of myself I ultimately want to be. Procrastination will always be my enemy but I can beat it with prioritizing and not being lazy.It’s going to be a rough journey but it’s a journey that I am meant to take. It’ll help me form the better version of myself I ultimately want to be. In time I hope I’ll be able to see a difference within myself to come. Sometimes I’ll stumble and fall but as long as I get back up and keep moving forward I know I’ll be okay. Going backwards is not an option.