Since, I’ve come out with my story I have received so many messages of love and support and I have no words to explain how grateful I am. I was not expecting my story to have reached as many people as it did, and I’m still amazed at all of the support. It came to my attention that as my story had spread and reached more people, that I failed to add a disclaimer beforehand. In my haste to share my story, I didn’t realize how it would affect others. So I’d like to apologize for that. Because I dealt with the abuse years ago, to me, I wrote my story with no censorship or filter because it was my reality. I hadn’t thought of how it would trigger others. I’d like to also mention how overwhelming it was to have so many people share the feelings and emotions with me because of my story. I guess the best way to describe it was that I have a hard time processing my own feelings so when others were sharing the feelings with me I was taken back and just overwhelmed. But, I’ve been striving to be a lot more open about my feelings and less guarded. I’ve come pretty far and I have to say I’m happy with where I am going.
I just wanted to do a follow up post. I’ve received a few messages that had some questions or just things I’d like to address and clarify. For people who have known me personally, my friends and family, they have always known me as a happy and bubbly person. So, they were pretty shocked when I shared how something horrible happened to me. Let me just say that it is a lot easier to pretend to be happy. I wanted to avoid having to explain what I was really going through. Now, don’t get me wrong there were times when I was really happy but it was short lived. Something I realized early on, is that no one question’s you when you are happy. So I used being happy as a defense mechanism. I hid myself behind my smile and laughter to avoid bringing attention to myself. And, I told myself I was going to be the friend that I did not have in my time of need to others. I focused on being a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a hide and eat partner or just someone you could call whenever you need any type of help. Getting lost in my friends problems and helping them through it helped me escape my demons. So, if we were or are friends and you read this, thank you so much for helping. Even though you might not have known it, your friendship helped me more than I can ever express.
Some people have asked why I never came forward sooner or why I didn’t tell them and there were a few things that prevented from speaking up earlier. First and for most, I didn’t have proof and I was scared that no one would believe me. Second, I like to avoid being a burden to others and I never wanted to bother them with my problems. Lastly, I wanted to avoid being look at differently. When people see me, I wanted them to see me for myself and not what was done to me.
I had no intentions of sharing my story publicly for at least a year. I knew I wanted to share it through my blog but I felt that since I just talked to my family it was too soon. I wanted to at least be somewhat on my healing journey before sharing it, but as I was on FaceTime with my mom one night she told me that two of my cousins were sexually abused by their cousin and their parents were trying to find ways to help their kids. At the moment, I knew I could no longer think about a timeline of when to share my story. This was an opportunity to help others find the courage to speak up about the experience. My reasoning’s for keeping quiet became less important. I am so glad that I did share my story earlier than I intended to because of the impact it had on the many people it had reached.
For those of you who are wondering how I am doing. I am doing great! I’m doing so much better than I ever thought I’d be. Some days I struggle, but without the weight of keeping quiet I FEEL SO FREE! I’ve been putting more effort into all the things that have kept me isolated and what not. It’s a process but even with the baby steps its still progress. I’ve chosen to embrace this healing process and new journey to become a better version of myself and I am so excited to see where I go. No words can express my gratitude for you all and how it has helped me thus far. So from the bottom of my heart, I truly thank you! ♥