Two weeks ago, I had a really bad week. I was extremely homesick, I had worked everyday and I was having anxiety over going back to school. I was stressed over having to fit my work schedule around my class schedule and also include a work study job to help pay my tuition. Paying out of state tuition, rent, books and keeping up with toiletries and food on your own is a lot for me. I applaud and admire those who can do it all on their own cause it’s no joke and a lot of hard work. After talking with my mom about all the different feelings I was having, it made me feel a lot better; just being able to talk it out. And then I was good. I get through my first week of classes wonderfully, I mean, besides getting lost quite often. So far so good. but like I’ve felt many times, I knew that good feeling was not going to last long. And I was right. Last week Friday, as I’m watching my brother’s high school football game, I learned something that hurt me really bad. It hurt me so bad that when I went to sleep at 6 am Saturday morning, I begged God to take me. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I begged and begged God to take this pain I felt I no longer could bear. I wanted to die so bad, I swallowed a handful of pain killers and just waited to go. If I’m being honest, I was disappointed when I woke up the next morning. People were trying to talk me through my situation but it was useless.
How could they help me if I didn’t even want to help myself? It was really scary knowing that my first thought after the incident had initially happened was to commit suicide. It’s been a long time since I’ve had those suicidal thoughts. That night they came for me with a vengeance so strong that I tried doing something. That next morning I felt so terrible that I actually thought death was what I wanted. I felt so selfish because I was blessed with this life to live and others aren’t as fortunate. I felt like a fraud and a hypocrite, a month ago I wrote a blog about a friend of mine having suicidal thoughts, and here I was trying to carry out those thoughts. After thinking about what I attempted, I realized how I reacted to something in a really bad way. I emailed one of my guy friends about just having a bad day and what he said stuck to me. He told me “Don’t worry, God gives us struggles to push us where he needs us to go. Its a blessing but its hard to see it that way. If things were good all the time, we’d forget God. But since we need to rely on Him, He gives us trials.” Even though I knew all of this I needed to hear it from someone else. I really don’t know why, but it was just one of those things.
Reactions. It impacts more than we think. In this case, I definitely could’ve reacted in a better way. But I didn’t and it almost costed me my life. After thinking over the situation, I realized that I made a rash decision over something so very little. I guess what I’m trying to say is our reactions turns into physical actions. We should never react to things to the point where you are contemplating your life. Its easier said than done, this I know all too well. But the best thing we can do is; take each day one at a time. I hope you as the reader, never gets pushed to the point where I just was. Its the most scariest thing to ever go through and it messes you up so bad. I just want you to know that if you ever get to this point please talk to someone. I’m still working on my reactions and how to improve, but I’m getting through it that’s all that matters. If I can do it, so can you.