Embracing 2019

 2018 was a very eye opening year for me. It started out a little frustrating for me because I had to put school on hold to work to be able to afford continuing my education. One semester turned in to two and my frustrations continued to build. But in hindsight I now know and understand the year off of school was meant to happen.

Fall semester 2017 I was a full time student working two jobs. I felt like I never slept, there was always an assignment due or I was at one of my jobs. Because I was so busy my mind being occupied I shoved all of my mental and emotional problems to the side.

Bur when 2018 came, it became the most challenging year for me  emotionally and mentally. I was fighting demons I never talked about and it filled me with nothing but heartache, paranoia, depression and really bad anxiety/panic attacks.

I used my smile and fun personality to hide my pain. Hiding behind smiles and jokes were defense mechanism for me because no one questions when you’re happy. I would do anything I could to avoid attention. 

I hoped that if I could ignore the things that were bothering I could pretend that everything was okay, but I felt myself slip deeper into a hole I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get out of.

I was forced to face my demons head on and had I been in school at the time, I don’t think I would have been able to do it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. My sitting out a year of school to work, blessed me in a way I couldn’t even imagine it would. I was able to see the possibilities of who I could become without the pain of my past haunting me. I was able to come to terms that what happened to me does not define me. 

I have grown so much since sharing my story. 2018 helped me set myself free from the demons I was fighting. I no longer have a pit in my stomach or the weight of the world on my shoulders. My smile no longer hides my pain and I’m so very grateful for that. I am healing and am better then ever. 

To anyone who needs to hear it don’t hide your pains, it will not go away. You’re not alone and you don’t need to feel like you are! Tell someone, I promise it’ll save you all the heartache❤

My hope and prayers for this new year is to fall in love with everything. Fall in love with life again. I no longer want to just coast through life and just exist. I want to LIVE life. I want to fall in love with myself even more. I no longer have the patience to accept anything less than I deserve, I owe it to myself to really and truly feel complete happiness and internal peace. I’d like to fall in love romantically this year. Cause why not? You only live once right? I want to experience that love in the near future. I pray for excitement. I am speaking my hopes and prayers for this 2019 year into existence. I will make sure it will be one to remember. 

I’m looking forward to all the adventure, lessons, and fun 2019 will bring and I hope that it brings you nothing but peace, love, happiness and fun as well! Thank you for following me on this blogging journey! Here’s to another year of memories. ?

                                               -Ness